


Doors Always Open (When Another One Closes)

by crankyrage



Series: 2018 Kid Line Verse [2]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-20 14:37:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14263164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crankyrage/pseuds/crankyrage
Summary: He’s not thriving, he’s surviving. But, one day soon he’ll come out on the other side. He knows it. He feels that. He has to – sometimes, sometimes it’s all that he has.





	Doors Always Open (When Another One Closes)

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is a little companion piece to Sometimes (All We Do is Cope), which I wrote a few months ago. I don't think you need to read that before reading this, however.
> 
> This guy gives a little bit more insight into Jordan's perspective. I kind of wrote this on a whim, so the grammar is definitely not perfect, nor is the sentence flow. But, I hope you enjoy anyway. 
> 
> Please note: there are brief discussions of mental health issues and depression (I don't know why everything I write does, but this does) so please, if you may be triggered by anything, please do not read.
> 
> Title taken from Lights' Head Cold off her acoustic album from a few years ago which is fantastic, by the way haha.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing and mean no harm by using any real-life person or their likeness; this is simply a work of fiction for entertainment value.

Jordan’s had a hard year – well, a hard few years, honestly. The season was a disappointment, to say the least. He just – he wanted it to be a fresh start. In a way it was – he escaped the spotlight a little – which was shining too bright and right in his eyes, even with Connor there to garner most of the attention.

He’s definitely happier. It’s something that’s been hard for him to admit because he misses Edmonton and Nuge like crazy. But, the situation in Brooklyn is just better for him. He needed it. It wouldn’t be far-fetched to say it saved his life.

His mental health had been something that he’d ignored for a long time. All the shit with Taylor being tossed aside like he didn’t matter? It fucking broke him – to the point where he didn’t even know who he was anymore.

It was like one day he woke up and forgot how to breathe, how to live, how to be himself. He wanted to escape.

He didn’t even see himself retreating, is the thing. It wasn’t a conscious decision. It was a necessity. He was doing what he had to do to survive. He had to disassociate to get through it.

He made a lot of mistakes. He hurt the people closest to him, and he almost destroyed the best things in his life.

He doesn’t forgive himself for it, not really. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to, not after hearing how Ryan felt, how he blamed himself, how he – how he thought Jordan didn’t love him anymore – that Jordan and Taylor tossed him aside like Edmonton had. It’s not something he can forget.

It’s a hard thing to live with, but he’s trying. His therapist says that forgiveness may come in time, but that at the end of the day, he can’t go back and change it. He can only move forward. That’s what he holds on to. This idea that the past is in the past, and that he can only affect the outcome of today, it keeps him present even when he wants to sink back in on himself when he’s struggling.

It’s taken him a long time to come to terms with his mental health – his depression. He still kind of hates that word. Sometimes, he feels like he doesn’t deserve it. Like – objectively his life is great, even with the ups and downs. So, admitting that he falls into this cloud of darkness – that he gets sad and lets it take him to another place? It’s hard. 

He doesn’t like talking about it. But, he has to, and he thinks it’s helping. He’s not thriving, he’s surviving. But, one day soon he’ll come out on the other side. He knows it. He feels that. He has to – sometimes, sometimes it’s all that he has.

He gets to JFK before Nuge’s flight from Edmonton even gets in, so he decides to just park and meet him at baggage claim. It’s not something they’d ever think about doing in Edmonton, but that’s part of the beauty of playing in Brooklyn. He’s finally anonymous. He should probably use it. 

Nuge should have a full equipment bag because they’re flying to World’s from New York together in a week, so he moves towards the oversized baggage and looks out for the Oilers emblem with a familiar 93.

It’s been a little bit of a reversal, him and Nuge out early this year and Hallsy finally, fucking finally getting his chance.

He’s so fucking proud, is the thing. He’s almost bursting with it all the time – their boyfriend – the point streak, the Hart Trophy talk, everything. It’s been surreal almost, even from afar.

It’s like Taylor’s been vindicated or something; Jordan can barely explain it. But, he took all the people who shit on him, called him a bust or a disappointment, and showed everyone he’s one of the best players in the league. It’s been amazing to watch.

The thing about Hallsy is that he’s never, ever looked at it like that. It’s never been about him or what he’s doing as an individual. He’s a team guy more than almost any other guy he’s played with over the years can claim to be. He’s happier about the team making the playoffs and Nico scoring goals than he is about his own point streak.

He’s just put his head down and worked and worked – out worked everyone, and it’s fucking inspirational, is what it is.

Jordan sees Ryan before he sees him. It’s dumb because he saw Nuge like a month ago when they played each other, and they fall asleep together on Skype or Facetime at least once a week, but fuck, he missed him so much, and it hits him hard.

“Hey,” he says waving a little bit in Ryan’s direction to get his attention. He doesn’t care how ridiculous he looks.

When Nuge looks up from his phone and smiles at him, with that small, private smile that he only really gets with his family and him and Taylor, Jordan can feel something in his chest settle.

“Hey—” Ryan says dropping his carry-on at Jordan’s feet as Jordan crushes him in a too-long hug. “I was gonna call you,” he mumbles into Jordan’s shoulder.

“I was early,” Jordan shrugs stepping back.

Nuge sighs softly looking around, not used to being so anonymous. 

“Missed you,” Jordan says as he sees Ryan’s gearbag and moves to grab it.

“Missed you, too, you non,” Nuge laughs trying to take the bag from Jordan. “C’mon, Ebs.”

“You want to fight me?”

Nuge laughs and gives up easily, like always. He knows Jordan likes to take care of him sometimes.

“How was the flight?” Jordan asks him when they make it to his truck. He pulls Ryan close again because he can, and no one else is around. 

Ryan comes easily sighing into the hug. ““It was alright. I’m pretty beat, not gonna lie. Didn’t do everything I needed to do either, so I’m probably going to head back to Edmonton before I go the BC after World’s.”

Jordan cards his fingers through his hair. “I like the look. Very 1997 rom-com hero.”

Ryan laughs softly and pulls away, “Jealous.”

Jordan laughs throwing Ryan’s bags in the back and getting into the truck, “Maybe.”

Nuge looks exhausted so he doesn’t say anything else as he pulls into New York traffic. It’s always something that they’ve been good at – being quiet together.

Before Ryan, Hallsy used to drive him up a wall sometimes. He never knew when to shut up. He’s since gotten better at reading Jordan’s cues, but he remembers fondly how Ryan just knew, from the first day he came to hang out, how to just be.

The silence starts to feel a little tense though, and when he looks over Ryan’s got his head against his window looking out like he’s in a sad music video.

“You okay?” Jordan asks patting in the inside of his thigh softly.

Ryan turns to him slowly covering Jordan’s hand with one of his own, swallows hard, and blurts, ““Uh Davo thinks I’m getting traded.”

“Babe—” Jordan starts. “You had probably the best year of your career, and so you got hurt, you can’t—”

“It’s not,” Ryan says quickly blowing out a breath. “I’m not even really upset at the prospect anymore. I just – mostly I feel bad for the guys?”

Jordan swallows because the Ryan he knows lays his heart out every single night. He’d do anything for his team. “What do you mean?” 

“I just – I came to Edmonton, and I had so many ideas of what it was going to be like to be in the NHL – and then I met you and Taylor, and we said we were gonna do it, y’know? We were gonna bring the Cup back to Edmonton – the three of us. And that’s – that dream’s dead, Jor,” he pauses for a minute seemingly thinking of what to say next. “I love Edmonton. I love it there, and I want to win there. But, I guess – it’s not the end of the world, y’know? Shit happens. And, I’m just going to play my best and do my best and be me, no matter if I’m the one that has to fall on the sword this time, y’know?”

“Yeah,” Jordan responds quietly. “That – that makes sense, Nuge. I just – I wish—”

“Me too,” he says cutting Jordan off like he rarely ever does. “But it’s like Taylor gets to play in the playoffs, and you got a fresh start – and you’re happy, Jordan. You weren’t happy in Edmonton last year. It’s not – it sucks, but a lot of good came out of it.”

“I guess,” Jordan agrees a little reluctantly. “That doesn’t mean I wish it hadn’t ended differently.”

And he does. He remembers all the promises they made to each other – that they were going to raise the Cup in Edmonton, bring it back to the city. But, he failed. He wishes it hadn’t ended like that. He wishes they would have gotten the ending they all fucking deserved and worked their asses off for – killed themselves for.

Ryan hums softly and looks away. “Davo – that kid, Ebs, he’s almost too earnest sometimes. He just got to me. He hugged me and thanked me – thanked us – for showing him how to lead – I didn’t – I fucking didn’t do anything.”

“Ry, you know that’s not true,” Jordan frowns locking eyes with him. “You’ve given so much to that team and that city – you’ve protected Davo. Hallsy would be so proud of you for that, y’know?”

In his first two seasons, Connor saw two people who were supposed to be part of the core – part of the solution – get tossed aside and traded like they were nothing.

Jordan was always so caught up in how he felt – how much it fucking devastated him – that he really hadn’t thought about anyone else’s reaction. Hallsy’s trade started his downward spiral, and his own? It kind of took it to an uncomfortable level – a level that made him go get help. 

So, to think about how it affected others? Yeah, Jordan hasn’t put that much thought into it.

But the thing is, Hallsy was Connor’s best friend on the team, his mentor, his confidant. Taylor took his responsibility to be there for Connor more seriously than he’s taken almost anything else in his life. No one thought Hallsy was expendable, but Connor? Connor thought that they were going to take the Oilers there, together, always together. When Connor saw his future with Edmonton, he thought of Hallsy being there, no doubt.

It’s hard for Connor to get close to people. He’s so young and earnest, and Jordan knows that all those things lead to him being taken advantage of or mocked. He’s almost too good, too nice, and too kind.

“He knows it’s not his fault, right?” Jordan asks quietly after Ryan’s fallen silent. “Davo – he doesn’t control the front office. They didn’t – we weren’t traded because of him.”

Ryan sighs and bangs his forehead against the window. “I don’t know, Ebby,” Jordan can hear the wetness in his voice. “I think he blames himself for a lot of things. I think at some level he thinks he took the team from us.”

“That’s fucking bullshit,” Jordan mumbles. “He’s a great player and a great kid. He’s not – he doesn’t control what happens to us.”

“I know,” Ryan says after a beat.

Jordan doesn’t know what to say. This isn’t how he wanted to start his offseason. He wanted to leave his failures in the past and move forward. But, sometimes, it isn’t that easy. 

“Hey, I know—” he sighs because he doesn’t want to make this about him but he just. “I know we haven’t really talked about it much, y’know? What happened last year?”

Ryan nods and reaches out to squeeze Jordan’s hand. “It’s okay. I get it. I accepted your apology, Jordan. It’s okay. We all fall down, sometimes, y’know? I’m not gonna hold a grudge.”

Ryan’s always been so mature for his age – quiet but wise. He sees the world differently, at least that’s what Taylor’s always said. It’s like – he doesn’t only just see things from his own point of view. He’s measured – looking at everything holistically. That’s probably why it takes him forever to make any kind of decision. But, it also makes him one of the kindest, most empathetic people Jordan’s ever known. 

“I just. I love you, and I want you to know it was never about you. It was about me, and I had to – I had to take this journey to find myself again, and I think that I’ll always struggle a little with that? But, I know I have the resources and the support now to deal with my problems head on, and not just ignore it when it gets too hard? I can’t – and I promise I won’t try to cut myself off from the world again.”

Ryan locks eyes with him, and Jordan can see his eyes shining a bit with unshed tears. “I just—” he cuts himself off wiping at his eyes trying to prevent the inevitable spillover. “I’m sorry – I just I’m so proud of you for getting help and like admitting that it was a problem. I know it wasn’t easy. I wish you would have come to me, but I don’t – and I’ll never blame you for not doing it. You had to find your own way.”

They fall silent as they pull into the parking garage under Jordan’s building. Ryan moves to get out when Jordan pulls into his usual spot, but Jordan makes him hug him again, this time over the gearshift.

Ryan laughs a little wiping at his eyes, “Who knew this morning was going to be so heavy?”

Jordan laughs as well turning to get out of the truck, “C’mon let me show you my place.”

He definitely has less space in his place in Brooklyn than he’s ever had in any of their shared apartments. It’s different, but it’s home in a different way.

Ryan laughs immediately coming into the doorway, “I can’t believe you have pictures up already. How long did it take you and Taylor to put up anything in your first place?”

“Sometimes I want to see your face when I eat breakfast, sue me!” Jordan responds throwing his hands up sarcastically.

Nuge waves him off, “Please tell me you’re letting me nap before we go to Hallsy’s?”

“Nope,” Jordan tells him popping the p obnoxiously just to see Nuge roll his eyes. “You can sleep on the way, c’mon. He’ll be back from skate probably, and we can nap together.”

“Why do you even need a nap? You didn’t have a 5AM flight.” Ryan bitches at him, and in Nuge-speak that’s how Jordan knows he’s won.

Ryan doesn’t even wait until he’s in the door of Hallsy’s place in Jersey before he’s moving towards the bedroom shedding various clothing items and gathering them in his arms as he goes.

“Don’t you at least want to wait until Taylor gets back, to y’know, say hi or something?” Jordan laughs following him back into the bedroom.

Taylor’s cleaning lady must have been there, or he’s really trying to impress them because the place is immaculate. There’s not even one loose sock on the floor.

“If I’m gonna make it to the game, I need to sleep. And like, Ebby, do you think Hallsy’s not going to be on board with coming home and finding us in his bed?”

Jordan hates it when Ryan makes that much sense. “Fine, but I’m going to be so hungry when we wake up—”

“Yeah, yeah,” Nuge replies flapping his hand looking around for Taylor’s hamper tossing his jeans into it.

That gets Jordan going, if he’s being honest. He hasn’t been this close to Ryan’s almost naked body for too fucking long. Jordan tosses his jeans and shirt towards the hamper and climbs in next to Ryan, and he hasn’t been so excited to sleep in a while.

“Hi,” Ryan says laying his head on Jordan’s chest and locking eyes.

“Hi,” Jordan replies softly carding his hand through Ryan’s hair.

Ryan makes a soft noise and is out within a few minutes tops. Jordan would laugh, but he can’t help by slowly drift off as well.

“Ebby? Babe, you here?” He wakes up to Taylor yelling through his apartment. “I thought I saw your car downstairs in the garage.”

Ryan murmurs a little in his sleep but doesn’t wake, and to be honest, Jordan doesn’t want to risk waking him up before he’s ready.

“Oh, fuck me,” is all he hears before Taylor slides in beside him shirtless and grinning.

“Hi to you, too,” he whispers turning towards Taylor and wrapping his arms around him drowsily. 

“Is it my birthday? Cause I don’t think it’s my birthday,” he says in a rush kissing the bottom of Jordan’s jaw.

“Your birthday’s in November, shut up,” Jordan mumbles into his chest. “Don’t wake up Nuge; he’s fucking exhausted.”

“But—”

Jordan just cracks an eye and stares him down until he physically deflates a little. 

“Fine, fine. I just didn’t—”

“We weren’t gonna miss your first home playoff game, idiot. C’mon set your alarm and nap with us. We’ll be here when you wake up.”

Taylor nods shifting to get his phone before settling back down spooning up behind Jordan and reaching over Jordan towards Ryan.

“Ebby,” Taylor whispers a few minutes later when Jordan was convinced he’d fallen asleep.

“hmm?”

“Love you,” he says simply squeezing Jordan a little.

“Love you, too, you non.”

They all wake up an hour or so later to Taylor’s alarm.

“Make it stop. Make it stop, Hallsy,” Ryan says flopping back down on the bed dramatically.

Taylor laughs and shifts to turn it off. “Nuge, do you not say hi to people anymore when you haven’t seen them in months?”

“Sorry, sorry,” Ryan yawns sheepishly into Hallsy’s pillow. “Hi, Taylor.”

Taylor laughs getting out of bed and moving towards his closet, “Ebby’s usually the one we have to pry out of bed, what gives Nuge?”

“I’ve been up since like 2AM, and Davo and co. got me drunk. The children got me drunk, guys.”

Jordan laughs at that cuddling closer to Ryan now that Taylor’s abandoned them. “Sounds rough.”

“It was,” Ryan mumbles almost incoherently. “And then he had feelings on me – Davo, man. Can you believe it? We hugged – that part was cute though.”

He can hear Taylor’s screechy laugh from inside the closet, “You’re a weirdo, Nuge.”

“Whatever,” he replies eyes blinking more awake.

Taylor emerges from his closet with a suit that looks new, and Jordan’s favorite smile on his face.

He hangs the suit on the closet door and all but jumps on Ryan.

“Hi,” Ryan says again laughing.

“Hi – I fucking missed you,” Taylor pauses turning towards Jordan, “both of you.”

They make out for a while, and Jordan just lets them at it. Watching, honestly, never gets old.

Eventually, Taylor rolls off Ryan and onto Jordan in one swift movement that someone of his size should not be able to do so easily.

“Okay, okay,” Nuge laughs getting out of bed. “Don’t start something you can’t finish right now.”

Hallsy frowns at that pulling off Jordan and all but glaring at Ryan.

“You’re playing in the fucking playoffs, babe,” Jordan placates placing his hand on Taylor’s arm. “This can wait.”

Taylor grins at that rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly, “I know.”

The rest is just a whirlwind of Taylor nervously changing his clothes and trying to find food for them to eat, while Hallsy heads off to eat at the rink.

“We’ll take an Uber and meet you up there,” Ryan shakes him off. “We don’t want to be a distraction.”

“You’re not a distraction,” Taylor echoes shaking his head before relenting. “Okay, I’ll see you after the game, okay?”

“Yeah,” Jordan says. “You’ll do great.”

“Yep,” Ryan agrees kissing Taylor softly. “Love you. You’re gonna kill it.”

“Love you, too.” Taylor replies pecking him once more before turning towards Jordan. “Ebby?”

“You got this, babe. I love you. Just play your game, okay? Don’t let them suck you into changing your pace.” Jordan says kissing him lightly.

Taylor nods when he steps back, “Got it.”

Jordan doesn’t know the last time he felt this amped-up watching a hockey game. He knows that he must look crazy, pacing back and forth. Even Taylor’s mom, who’s known him for years asks if he’s okay.

“Yeah, I’m just – nervous. I want him to do well more than anything,” he tries to explain to her.

Ryan’s fairing only a little better, but in classic Nuge-style no one can tell. He’s outwardly as calm as ever, but Jordan can tell he’s dying a little inside.

“They just need to get on the board and get their confidence up. Getting shut-out in Tampa the other night hurt, but they can come back from it,” Taylor’s dad comments from Ryan’s other side.

Jordan nods, and he thinks that’s exactly it, not just for the team but for Taylor. He just needs to settle in, and the easiest way to do that is to get a point on the board and prove to himself that he can compete – that he can score.

Taylor scores on a pretty ugly garbage goal 7-minutes into the first period. It’s the kind of goal that lacks finesse, but just happens from playing hard and fighting for rebounds – the kind of goal that all the scouts said he couldn’t make, wouldn’t make.

Jordan shoots out of his seat and has almost an out of body experience – he can’t even describe the feeling. He’s just so fucking proud and happy. So fucking happy that it feels like a new emotion.

Nuge smiles at him like the sunshine he is, squeezing his knee. Jordan just smiles back, and he realizes what maybe he’s always known: he’s going to be okay. 

He doesn’t need Edmonton.

Hell, he doesn’t even need hockey.

He has more than he could ever need right beside him, and whatever happens, he’s going to be fine.

He’s going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave any comments, criticisms, etc. below. I appreciate any feedback that you may have! Also, I love a good conversation about these soft idiots haha.


End file.
